Ugh no not even that. It is helplessness. A helplessness when you know, absolutely know, you won't be able to show a person how hurt they're going to be from a situation. That you can't tell them that you do, in fact, know exactly what's going on .

And the helplessness that you may lose a new friend to an ex-old-friend who is bitter, immature, and coniving.

Very scary business.

I hope my new friend is okay, and I want her to be happy and safe. And I wish her the best.
 

It's just one of those things I guess. Some times the universe decides it's had enough of your sunshine and fucking rainbows, and it decides to take a huge dump on your chest and put a candle in it.

The last month has been interesting to say the least, haha.

But! Let's start with September first, because my last entry was the end of August.

My birthday was on the 16th, and I'm 21. I hit my 9 months of sobriety on the 10th of September, and since then have also hit my 10 months in October. I had a wonderful time with my friends and family for my birthday!

Anyway things are actually fine and dandy, I shouldn't make my life out to be such a shit storm right off the bat, I've just had a bumpy run the last month.

Financially, I hit a stand still. I've had to make some major decisions on what I'm going to do in the future to secure myself, and an ending result was saying 'bye bye' to my credit cards. Who cares though, right? Why do we even need credit cards now that we have debit? If you don't have the money to get something, then you shouldn't get it. But then you have to think about emergencies.. GAH! Too much to think about!

Anyway, on to the really interesting stuff. About 2 weeks ago I was driving and was cut off abruptly by an elderly gentleman coming out of the Bulk Barn. I avoided the accident JUST BARELY but ended up getting a concussion in the process, which friggin' sucked hard. And then.
THEN.

EXACTLY a week later, at the intersection just north of the Bulk Barn - I'm coming through an intersection going south to the mall, green light, and I see a car waiting to turn left. Because it's a green light, the car is waiting, and I legally have the right of way, I continue on my merry way going about 50 km/h. While I'm in the middle of the intersection the gentleman decides to make his turn. I have no time to thoroughly react, so I pushed myself back as far as I could into the seat, closed my eyes and put both feet on my brake. Kaboom.

T boned him totally.

Thankfully two witnesses stopped and talked to police for me, and called 911. Vouching for me that indeed it wasn't my fault. The gentleman was charged on the spot for making an illegal left turn, so I'm not at fault. Everything is covered by insurance, but now the aftermath. Injuries.

Luckily the other driver was up and walking around after impact, with a tiny cut on his face. I was up and walking around but because of my adrenaline I didn't know how hurt I actually was.

I ended up in emerg for a few hours, still insisting I was fine.

After a visit to my GP a day later because I was friggin' agony I found out that I had tons of soft tissue damage, substantial whiplash resulting in not only my neck, chest and back being tight, but also resulting in muscle weakness in both arms, and hands, as well as lovely pain.

My right knee is banged up quite nicely from hitting the console, and my left hand and wrist have damage to ligaments from me clenching the wheel so tightly and it flying from my grip on impact. It just happened to crank it the wrong way, causing lots of bruising, swelling, and suckiness.

So I'm tits deep in paperwork right now trying to figure out how I'm going to make ends meat while I can't work.

I'm also in the middle of switching insurance companies. My original policy expires next month, so by the 13th of November I have to have a new policy in place. That brings on a lot of fun paperwork as well.

Basically, things are stressful, but it definitly brings into effect the idea of one day at a time. I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to events in my life, and it's hard for me to accept that a lot of this stuff is completely out of my hands now. I can only do so much and then I have to just be patient. I'm glad I have amazing friends to keep me grounded, curb my bizaare guilt complexes, and simply give me hugs when I need them.

I love my friends, and I'm so thankful to be sober for all this! My one year medallion is on December 10th, and I hope to see some of my friends there, but I can understand if a lot of people aren't into it. It's usually serious business, but I'm sure everyone can expect I won't let it too serious on my day!

I carry on, remember to focus, breathe in and out, and pick up the phone when I need to. My heart is swelling as I write all this thinking of a select few people have been able to make me smile and laugh even when I was in lots of pain, and even though I want them to be happy and healthy, I hope some day to be able to return the favour. Or at the very least, continue to be the best friend I can every single day!

I doube anyones even reading this now, IT'S SO LONG. Fucking disgusting. OH! full on cuss, right on.

Shout out to my Karlee, who has taken the satisfaction away from people who like to spread her good news for her! I'm so proud of her for always embracing and showing pride in who she is.

Maybe I'll keep up with this thing.

Frig.
 

A customer lay into me at work because she's a cow of a woman who thinks that because she spent 2000 bucks at my place of employement that I should worship the ground she walks on and keep the store open until all her things are loaded BEFORE she has paid for them. Listen here, hunny. Store policy for EVERYONE is: You pay: Then we load. That saves us from you ripping us off.

Anyway, she hurt my feelings, I was actually REALLY upset, and no one stood up for me either, so that hurt. In retrospect I realize now that she had come on SO strong, and SO fast that I too probably woudln't of had time to react.  In fact, the little reaction I DID have was to simpy tell her  "I didn't offend you." LOL, so basically "What you're feeling isn't real" haha, classic Michelle.

I almost smoked my boss' Mustang.

Someone told a fib about me! I have NEVER had that before! And it actually caused quite a stir! Luckily what was said was so outrageous and out of character of me that everyone was quick to acknowledge how upset and hurt I was at the ridiculousness.  But for a little while it was EXTREMELY stressful and hurtful. I still don't know who said it, as the person who told me about it promised to protect their identity. It's probably for the best, my friend knows how I am, and that I don't like situations like that -- I would be quick to confront and settle. But not necessarily in the nicest way.

ANYWAY, it's all water under the bridge now, but MY FUCK it was stressful for a little while.

In any case, I'm extremely happy with things and can't wait for my birthday! I love September, it's almost always the perfect temperature, and I love when the leaves start to change. It's a wonderful time of transition and in my first year of sobriety it's just what I need!

I'll be returning to Alberta for a vacation in October, and have already set into motion several trips after Christmas (while we're off from work) and into the New Year! The year is going by so fast!!

I love all of you who have been there for me, even though a lot of you will never see this.

I even love all of you who suck large at life, because it's sad.

HA.

Immaturity is a curse, and unfortunately many-a-person I know is plagued with it.
If I prayed, I'd pray for you.

But instead! I'll be nice and laugh quietly.


<3

At any given moment my eyes can glaze over
incomprehendable apprehension can grasp my hand and lead me off my path
I could breathe a sigh of relief
or a breathe a breath of smoke
I could shake hands with a new friend
or wrap my hand around the glass neck of an old one

My ever present danger keeps me aware of my animal instincts
it keeps me aware of lack of control
but also my complete control

I hold a blue chip in my hand and my heart on my sleeve
I stand in the valley of the shadow of Death
and I fear no evil.

-- I thank my friends everyday for helping me in my sobriety, and hope that as I have now achieved 6 months, I can start moving forward in my steps. I love you all, and I'm learning to love me.

I can't understand how I manage to do this everytime!

I always seem to let my Livejournal get on the back burner and then I'm disgusted when i haven't updated in over a month. 

So let's do this thing;

I am SIX MONTHS SOBER. I go to 3+ meetings a week, I am happy, on the verge of healthy, and on my merry little way. Things with friends and family are coming along nicely, and I strive to keep drama away from me, ever being the peacekeeper I love to be - but also the fire hose that is needed in the fiery upheaval of drama that is my social circle!

HOWEVER. I am exceeeedingly tired right now, so this will be a lame arse update, but I just wanted to prove I'm not dead.

<Insert blunt fadetoblack here/>

I don't know how to feel.

I'm apologetic, but I'm defensive, because I feel I should be better understood for the amount of UTTER HORSE SHIT going on in my life. 

I think I should get some credit for how many times people are faux nice to me, faux supportive, faux appreciative...
when I am always, always, always
... 110 fucking percent
genuine.


Take this fucking sobriety chip and shove it up your ass, I shouldn't do anything to better your life.

Strings of melodrama and chords of serendipity
cascades of ever flowing lucid dreaming
and rivers of inconsistancy.
these masks are hiding more than names
and revealing more than eyes
As plucking fingers dip caressingly into the excess.
Obsess

There is less to me than you think, over simplify to understand I am no more an angel than a string of melodrama, a chord of serendipity
a cascade of flowing lucid dreaming
or a river of inconsistancy

I am not who I am when I am awake
I am not who I am when I am dreaming
I am everything in between
I am everything on either side.

I have a pair of scissors sitting silently on the string of your mask.

Take a deep breath.

* It's one of those days where I'm sitting doing absolutely nothing, and thinking about all the things I want, or should, do. It's the perfect procrastinator's day.

I'm thinking of picking up a second job in the evening as a bartender. It's something I'd really like to persue, as funny as it sounds. In my mind, I think it's better to have a person who doesn't drink as a bartender, because they'll be able to see more clearly the different levels of intoxication, and have more braincells to make more drinks! Haha, plus, as a recovering alcoholic, I know a lot of warning signs and can make good judgement calls.

Plus tips.

Mostly because of the tips.

I can take a course at Durham college, but I need some extra monies. Sooooon. Maybe. 

We'll see.